I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
