Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hippo gnu deer
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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