Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
