I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I didn't notice because vodka
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
