My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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