Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
