ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
