I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
