At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
