So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
