I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
