I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
