i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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