god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
