You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
