HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
