Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
