my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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