dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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