this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
