Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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