i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
