You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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