one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish you could order shots online.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
