i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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