Michael Bay diarrhea
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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