My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
