i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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