You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
