You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
