True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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