I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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