So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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