Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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