i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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