it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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