i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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