He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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