I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
