Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
