gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
