Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
