Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
