True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
