Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
