I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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