I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
