My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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