so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
