it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
