Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
