I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
