I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
