any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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