He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
