john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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