I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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