they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
