I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
