So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
