and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
